Barbara Hanifan

it still stings. it's not just a normal sting anymore, it's a forever lasting one. it began in my heart, only triggered when you were mentioned or when i caught a brief smell of what i thought was your scent. i couldn't look through the windows of the very house i mostly grew up in without that feeling starting to spark up. i refused to let it grow any more painful, pushing everything aside. one of the biggest regrets i have yet to face. now i can't stop feeling it. it surrounds me and everything i do, pulling me into a darkness i can no longer get out of. not without your light. and recently, your light has been as dull as ever. why? is it because i almost gave up on you? is this some sort of payback for sitting in silence and not reaching out before? i'm sorry i was too afraid of acceptance. i'm sorry i didn't want to come to grips with the fact that you left me. why did you leave me? why, of all people, me? our family? we are all becoming a dark abyss with no guidance. everyone is sinking. the devil has tied rocks to our feet and i'm trying to cut loose but it's hard when i feel like i have no reason to. why now? why not when it first happened? why is our family just now falling apart? we need your light again. we need your lectures. we need someone. maybe someday. until then. i'll be here. sinking. waiting. hopefully, sometime soon i'll be able to swim again. maybe i'll gain enough muscle to pull myself, right along with everyone else, back up above water. i heard the first breath after almost drowning is the best breath in a lifetime. i just hope it's before anyone else thinks it's too late.

Losing you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. Not including the time Joe tried teaching me how to ride a bike. You were watching us like we were idiots. It was hilarious. After I learned, every time I would come over to your house, I'd ride that bike until it was too dark to see ahead of me. My muscles would ache and I'd be so tired, but I just kept going. You would always tell me to come inside and take a break, and I would always argue and tell you no. Is it sad that one of the only things I can remember related to what you sound like is your screaming voice? Pretty messed up tbh. Jaylynn and I would stay with you every opportunity we got. On weekends, breaks, that one time I didn't want to go to Jenna's; just anytime. I miss our everyday talks on and off the phone. I miss how you could make us laugh-even though you barely ever made any jokes. I'm sorry that it doesn't hurt as much as it used to anymore. I'm sorry that when I see a picture of you I break down. I'm sorry that I can have a conversation about how amazing you were without my voice cracking or trembling. I'm sorry I can go into your house without the fear of being crushed by the memories I have of you. Y'know, I still have those moments when I feel like I need you so badly. I just wish you were here. With us. I'm 14 now. You weren't here with me to celebrate. Maybe spiritually, but not physically, where I could actually give you a hug. I've always wondered what it'd be like to see you again. I'd probably be frozen. Frozen in shock, bewilderness, happiness, etc. I won't always feel the sorrowness of not having you in my life. Again, I'm sorry that I don't feel the way I used to. I guess that quote is true. "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." I love you <3 -Khia

grandma you were the best grandma anyone can have we will miss you a lot hope you are having fun up there

She was an amazing mother, grandma,sister an aunt. We all miss her and wish she were here. I cant speak for the whole family but I miss you and I wish that I had more time with her. but I know that she is and will always be in our hearts. Love you Grandma.

My heart goes out to all my cousins. I know that Aunt Barb was the heart beat of your family. I pray that you will be wrapped in the arms of our loving God and that he will bring you peace and comfort in the coming days.

Prayers for the family

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the family....emily we have been related all this time ....Barb will be geeatly missed.....i love you all.....Adith give me a calll.....love you.....

Sending prayers of comfort for the family. Barb was a truly good person. She will be missed by many & never forgotten

I'm so sorry for your loss Barb was an amazing person she was loved by alot of people she will never be forgotten prayers for you and your family...

So sorry for you loss. Prayers are with the family. its so hard losing someone close to you.

Please accept our deepest condolences for your family's loss.